Coaching Wrestlers: Freeing Our Kids from the Tyranny of Outcome-Based Goals

My daughter Audrey wrestling this season for Montgomery Central in Clarksville, Tennessee. Photo by Ryan Vinson Photography.

by Derek Levendusky
Twitter: @AWWderek
IG: @dereklevendusky

This was originally posted on my personal Facebook to encourage friends and family in the wrestling community. I’ve added some detail and a few more thoughts but the content is essentially the same.

Some thoughts for wrestling families from a father of six athletes (five wrestlers), a coach, and a sports journalist that has been in the middle of a lot of conversations over the years about what I’m discussing in this article.

Wrestling postseason is upon us. The high school season has been long and demanding. We're excited about the next few weekends, but it comes with stress and anxiety, especially for the athletes. My 17-year-old son Reese and 14-year-old daughter Audrey both head into state qualifiers as high seeds along with many of their teammates. They're "supposed to" advance to the state tournament. The potential for big accolades is right within their grasp; goals set not only at the beginning of the season, but for some, years ago when they were just getting started and began to dream.

As parents we want their success—our heart is out there on the mat with them in their wins and losses. All that said, in all sports there is a temptation, whether you're Jalen Hurts in the Super Bowl, or my kids competing for Montgomery Central in wrestling. We have to avoid attaching our joy to outcome-based goals instead of process-based goals. It's ok to aim for some outcomes, but there's a danger of being enslaved by outcome-based goals. That's why we have to focus more on process-based goals.

Too high a value on outcome-based goals says, "If I win this match or title, I'm a success and I'll be happy. If I lose, I'm a failure and will be miserable. It defines me."

Process-based goals say, "I'm setting goals as I experience this sport that I can achieve in the wins or the losses—wrestling hard, wrestling with gratitude, and celebrating the good, etc. I'm defined by something off the mat."

Outcome-based goals have the potential to ruin the enjoyment of the process, blind you to the good around you, and create pass-fail scenarios where an outcome is the sole determinant of whether or not an athlete is successful.

You also hear the the silly and dangerous suggestion that says, “You won. Therefore, you must have more character and worked harder than others” or “You lost. Must mean you didn’t have the character to work hard enough.”

What if my kid just lost to a better wrestler? is that ok? Does it have to mean they lack character or is it a safe assumption that they didn’t work hard enough? The plain fact is, some kids who are working the hardest are not winning state and national titles. It doesn’t mean the athlete that won it all ran the extra lap or did the extra practice. It can mean that, but it doesn’t always mean that. And to attach character or define someone’s effort based on an outcome is so harmful to the soul and psyche of a developing athlete. It’s a way of shaming kids into performance who lose or permitting arrogance in those who win. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I’ve seen kids who don’t work hard win it all. Sometimes, especially at the youth and high school levels, kids are just biologically or athletically superior, not to mention the economic implications in this whole area, where a kid might be in a family where they have the resources to go on trips every weekend to camps or tournaments.

Anyway…that’s all related to this topic, but I digress.

For my family, and the nuances may be different for yours, we encourage our kids to set goals during postseason that they can achieve whether they win or lose the match. Goals like...having a good warm up, wrestling hard, not freezing up but trying to score points, wrestling with gratitude, glorifying God, honoring your opponent with your best effort, competing with gratitude for family & friends supporting you, celebrating the good. We believe if they'll do this, they'll compete with liberty and the outcomes will take care of themselves. 

If we win, we give thanks to God for the opportunity and remember that no win is ultimately satisfying or completes me. Only His love does that. If we lose, we trust God and remember that no loss is ultimately defining or hurtful. Only His love is defining and we know He has a plan working through all things.

If we follow our process goals, we can ask after any match, "Did you wrestle hard? Did you glorify God in the way you competed? Are you remembering to be grateful? Are you trusting God with your story? Then you are a success."

Each athlete needs to work out in their own heart what their process goals are. Parents and coaches can help with this, but ultimately the athlete has to own it. I've found that calm and constant encouragement is very helpful to stay focused on the right things.

These concepts make a huge difference. I've seen it in my own life, as my younger coaching years were marked more by outcome-based goals than process goals and I did damage to my own heart and those around me. But once this wisdom is applied, it can change the whole climate of the sport for parent, coach, and athlete. 

I remember going to Atlanta in 2019 to watch my daughter Joye compete in WCWA Nationals as a freshman (before the annual NCAA National Invite started). Heidi Jo and I were so nervous...is she going to become an All-American? Is she going to beat so-and-so? Then we saw Joye at the arena. After suffering an injury that took her off the mat for much of her senior year in high school, growing in her faith, and competing at McKendree under the Yoda-like tutelage of Coach Sam Schmitz, she was at ease. "Dad," she said, standing on the mat and looking around the arena, "I honestly don't care what the results are today. I'm just so happy to be wrestling and can't wait for it to start."

She was a free woman and it even calmed her mother and I. She went on to take 7th and become a college All-American for the first time, and I really believe it was because she demoted the outcomes. She just focused on achievable process goals and the results took care of themselves. For those who know her, she's now in her senior year of college at Southern Oregon, and has had a remarkable college career.

When my daughter Esther decided to wrestle in college, she said, "My goal is to be the best version of myself I can be. I'm not going to focus on being an All-American or National Champion. I'll be content with whatever the best version of me is, even if I never make the podium at Nationals." She worked hard, and has become a competitive college wrestler and even got to be part of McKendree's national championship program last year with her sister.

Here's just a few things to remember. The following are things we talk about with our kids and athletes that we've found helpful. 

1. Pressure is a privilege. If you feel pressure, it's because you earned it and are blessed with an opportunity.

2. Embrace the potential for the good and the bad. Joye recently said, "I always remember that for the potential to exist for something great to happen, the potential for something bad to happen needs to be a possibility. So instead of focusing on the bad, I say to myself, 'Hey, you can do something great today!'"

3. Be defined by something off the mat. Watch Olympic gold medalist Kyle Snyder's interview after he lost to Sadulaev at the World Championships in 2018, pinned in the first period of the finals. Afterward, he was asked by a reporter how he feels losing that match, whether it defined him. He immediately pointed to his faith. He was remarkably calm, at ease. "Wins and losses don’t define me,” he said. “I love wrestling. It’s a big part of my life, but I’m not defined by the sport. I’m defined by my faith in Jesus. Whatever happens to me on the mat, nothing really changes, whether I win or whether I lose, there’s not a big change in my life how I see myself or how I see other people. So I’m thankful for everything. I’m thankful for the gifts that I have.”

4. Remind yourself of your process goals. If you take a loss, give yourself some time to mourn the loss, but once the adrenaline wears off, remind yourself of your process goals.

5. Control the controllables. Don't try to control the uncontrollables. 

Hope this helps someone. It's certainly made a difference in our lives. Thanks for reading. Let’s enjoy this sport with our families and our athletes.