Father Angry His Winless Daughter Not Ranked Higher
Don Gables angry his daughter not in rankings. Image courtesy of imgflip.com
by Patterson Kane, staff writer, “Not-So-News News” Satire
Puyallup, WA native Don Gables is not happy. After two national high school rankings came out last week and his daughter wasn’t on either, he blew his top in a social media rant that went viral. “These rankings are horrible and biased,” wrote the angry Gables. “I know in my heart she’s one of the best in the country, let alone our state, but she’s yet to hit any rankings, state or national. That ain’t right!”
His sophomore daughter, Artemis Gables, is a second year novice who didn’t win a single match last year in high school. “First of all, her name is Artemis, which means goddess of the hunt,” wrote Mr. Gables. “Second, her last name is Gables, and do I have to state the obvious? She should be ranked on the basis of her awesome name alone.”
His daughter doesn’t seem to care about any of it. “I didn’t even know national rankings existed,” explains the 16-year-old. “Honestly, I could care less. I didn’t even want to wrestle—I actually wanted to play basketball.”
The elder Gables continued to make his case for her to be in the national rankings. “It’s true she got pinned and teched every time last year, but she improved so much by the end of the season,” he explained. “She scored three points in an 18-3 loss to a state rep that had a close match with a state champ who lost in the wrestlebacks at Fargo to a girl that was 8th in Cadet two years ago. I mean, what are these clowns not seeing?” Gables then inserted 3 laughing emojis, two angry ones, and a rolling-eyes one.
Artemis has some plans for when she turns 18. “I’m gonna legally change my name to Emma,” she said. “That was my grandmother’s name, and I’d rather be named after an inspiring women like her instead of a Greek goddess of war.”
Mr. Gables’ final thoughts on the rankings: “It ultimately doesn’t bother me at all,” he concluded in the post. “Rankings don’t mean anything to me. They’re dumb. And so are the losers who make them. I’m just gonna take the high road and annoy those ranking bastards by not even paying attention to them.”
Gables actually never wrestled, but is an avid WWE fan.