USA Wrestling Adding 5th Grade English Classes as Requirement for Bronze Coaching Certification

Too many coaches misusing English language.

by Patterson Kane, staff writer, “Not-So-News News Satire”

In a bold move to increase the grammar of USA Wrestling certified coaches, the national governing body is adding English classes as a requirement to obtain bronze certification.

“Too many in the wrestling community say ‘excape’ and ‘exspecially,’” says USAW National Coaches Education Program Manager, Clay Michaelton. “This has to stop.”

USWOA official Sammy Jewells had complained to USA Wrestling after he received what he thought was a death threat. “I was on the mat at Fargo, and I heard a coach tell his wrestler, ‘Ax the referee!’” tells Jewells. “I got the heck out of there, called the police, and filed a formal complaint.”

After the police arrived, Jewells found out, of course, that the coach meant, “Ask the referee.”

“The misuse of the English language has been socially acceptable for years in the wrestling community,” says world teamer Pat Downey, who frequently butchers the English language in his Twitter posts. “I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“We can’t allow our coaches to represent us and then be telling their wrestlers to put in the ‘wizard’ or to hit the ‘crossed face,’” laments Michaelton. “Not on my watch.”

How extensive will the classes be? “Basically they’ll repeat 5th grade level English,” says assistant to the Executive Director, Ben Richie. “Usually that’s where the problems start showing up, like when a kid tells his mom, ‘Coach tells me I have an expedition match.’ So we’re going to change the culture by going back to basics.”

Will USAW coaches be suspended if caught mispronouncing words? “We’re still figuring out what the punitive measures will be,” explains Richie. “But we’re going to do something, exspecially if they’re repeat offenders.”

(pc: The Spokesman-Review)