The Top 10 Least Interesting Stories of 2019
by Patterson Kane, AWW staff writer
“Not-So-News News” Satire
Here’s the Top 10 least interesting stories from the women’s wrestling community in 2019.
10. Team USA’s Ashley Sword Gets Sand in Ear at Beach Wrestling Worlds
Team USA’s 70 kg beach wrestler Ashley Sword, also the head coach at Life University, got sand in her ear during an exchange at the Beach World Games in Qatar in October. “Yeah, that’s pretty normal,” said Sword.
9. Campbellsville All-American Campbell’s Name Same as First Two Syllables of Her College
The wrestling world was shocked last February at WCWA Nationals when it came out that National Runner-Up McKayla Campbell’s last name is the same as the first two syllables of the university she attends, Campbellsville.
8. Tiffin’s Ceja Makes Weight Against Gannon
On December 6th, 2019, the 116-pounder for Tiffin University, Sugey Ceja, made weight in their dual against Gannon. “There was actually no risk whatsoever in her not making weight,” said head coach Nick Goebel. “Not even sure why you’re making this a story.”
7. Two First-Year Girls Battle at Round-Up Novice Tournament
“Vanilla Killa Wrestling Club” hosted a novice tournament last February in Columbus, Ohio that featured a 15-9 battle between two 5-year-old wrestlers, Tracy Munn and Olivia Fritz. Munn prevailed in the barnburner. It occurred in the 3rd round of a 5-man round robin tournament. Munn ended up taking 4th place and winning a cheap medal. “I love it,” she said.
6. Colorado Mesa Coach Tells Women to “Wrestle Hard” at MoVal Open
As his wrestlers prepared to compete at the Missouri Valley Open in November, Colorado Mesa coach Travis Mercado was overheard telling his young women, “Wrestle hard today.” He was unavailable for comment.
5. Mensah-Stock Declines Peanuts on Plane to Nur-Sultan
After waking up from a nap on her flight to the 2019 World Championships in Nur-Sultan, Kazakhstan in September, a stewardess offered eventual world champion Tamyra Mensah-Stock peanuts, which she declined. “I didn’t hear anything about that,” said Team USA coach Terry Steiner. “I’m not sure why I would hear about that.”
4. Youth Wrestling Mom Actually Does Have Rabies
Margie Barillo, the mother that lost her temper on a referee at the Rumble in Remsen in Virginia last January, was diagnosed with rabies shortly after. She came on the mat yelling after a “horrible call” that cost her 8-year-old daughter a match. Barillo claimed that her daughter’s opponent locked her hands, which she did, though it was a cradle. The rabies diagnosis was not surprising, as it was “obvious” to most spectators, and recent studies report that 39.7% of all youth wrestling parents have rabies.
3. Alaskan Father Eats 11 Cups of Dippin’ Dots at Fargodome
Rich Hummel, the father of a Fargo competitor on the Alaskan national team last July, downed 11 large cups of Dippin’ Dots at the Fargodome…in one day. “They’re just so hard to find in Alaska,” explained the dad, “and they help me when I’m nervous.”
2. McKendree Coach Sam Schmitz Likes Country Music
“It’s true,” said the Bearcat coach. Common songs on the playlist in the McKendree Wrestling Center: “This is God’s Country” by Blake Shelton and “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus.
1. World Teamer Francis’ Dogs Like Wet Food
World teamer Victoria Francis’ dogs Hugo and Koojay like wet food. Francis tried to feed the pit bull and the pit-boxer dry food, but they didn’t like it. “When I was cutting to 68 kg for Senior Nationals, I was tempted to try it myself,” said Francis. “Something about it looked good.”